Atlanta, My Town

Atlanta-GeorgiaI wish I could claim the authorship here, but I didn’t write it. It is funny, and every word is true. I know, I live here!   So, eat a peach, and enjoy!

This came from a lovely girl named NessaRox.

Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina.

All directions start with, “Go down Peachtree….” and include the phrase, “When you see the Waffle House….” (except in Cobb County, all directions begin with, “Go to the Big Chicken…”) (You’d have to be here to understand this one!)

Outside of the Perimeter, “Sir” and “Ma’am” are used by the person speaking to you if there’s a remote possibility that you’re at least 30 minutes older than they are.

Ponce de Leon Avenue can only be pronounced by a native, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. (The Atlanta pronunciation is “pahnss duh LEE-on”.)

The falling of one rain drop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules; so will daylight savings time, a girl applying eye shadow in the next car, or a flat tire three lanes over.

If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it’s on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a month. All the grocery stores will be sold out of milk, bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer if there is a remote chance of snow, and if it does snow, people will be on the corner selling “I survived the blizzard” T-shirts.

It is always Smog Alert Day.

Construction on Peachtree Street is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment, especially when a water line is tapped and Atlanta’s version of Old Faithful erupts. Construction crews aren’t doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.

The 8am rush hour is from 6:30am – 10:30am. The 5pm rush hour is from 3:30pm to 7:30pm. Friday’s rush hour begins on Thursday morning and lasts through 2:00am Saturday.

Reversible lanes are not understood by anybody… especially those of us who live here. Stay out of them unless you’re looking for a head-on collision.

Atlantans are very proud of our race track, known as Road Atlanta. It winds throughout the city on the Interstates, hence its name. Actually, I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta and has a posted speed limit of 55 MPH (but you have to maintain 80 MPH just to keep from getting run over), is known to truckers as “The Watermelon 500.”

Georgia 400 is the southern equivalent of the Autobahn. You will rarely see a semi-truck on GA400, because even the truck drivers are intimidated by the oversized-SUV-wielding housewives racing from home after a grueling day at the salon or ALTA match to meet their children at the school bus coming home from the college prep preschool.

The pollen count is off the national scale for unhealthy, which starts at 120. Atlanta is usually in the 2,000 to 4,000 range. All roads, vehicles, houses, etc. are yellow from March 28th to July 15th. If you have any allergies, you will die.

The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy, and your AK-47 has a full clip.

Atlantans do not believe in turn signals. You will never see a native signal at a stop light, to change lanes, or to merge. Never. Ever.

Atlanta is home of Coca-Cola. That’s all we drink here, so don’t ask for any other soft drink. Unless it’s made by Coca-Cola. And even then, it’s still called “Coke”.

Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions, they will always send you down Peachtree.

Gate 1 at the airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch. The doors on the trains in the airport do not reopen like an elevator if you stick your hand out to stop them. And they hurt.

It’s impossible to go around the block and wind up on the street you started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls it a “scenic drive” and has posted signs to that effect so that out-of-towners don’t feel lost…they’re just on a “scenic drive”.