Journal, December 28, 2003: My ex-husband’s mail-order bride Sep23

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Journal, December 28, 2003: My ex-husband’s mail-order bride

2004 is upon us

And so I begin my 2004 journal early, with an entry on December 28.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching about myself these last few days and I mean that in the strictest sense of the words.

My ex-husband’s mail order Russian Bride

I received a gift and a Christmas card from the Russian wife of my worst ex-husband.

My exes are rated by amount of turmoil they managed to keep in my life post divorce … this one tells me I’m stuck with him eight more years – I insist I want a full and final divorce now. And I mean it. We’ve been divorced legally since 1992. My kids can have him, and he can have a relationship with them. But my preference is to never see him or speak to him again.

No animosity, no bitterness, I’ve just had enough these last 15 years and it doesn’t get better with time. We’re stuck in the same stupid relationship we always had, except that now I don’t sleep with him.

He’s always had a relationship with me and someone else, it is just that now she and her children are part of our lives instead of a secret. With that history, let me tell you why I search my soul.

Christmas Chocolates

She, on Christmas night, when I dropped my children off at their house, ran to my car with a gift (chocolates) and a Christmas card signed for her, him and her two children. My kids ate the chocolates, I stewed over the card.

Now in my heart of hearts, I bear them no ill will. I wish him happiness and if he has found it with her, I really hope it lasts forever. We had been divorced more than 10 years when he brought her to this country last year. She hasn’t taken anything from me.

Cultural Exchange for my Kiddos

When she came to Georgia from Russia, I was at his house to welcome her here and introduce my children. I had visions of the same big get togethers we had then, only now she and her children would be part of them. I saw my children being enriched by a friendship with her children; exposed to another culture and enlightened by it. I expected that my children could help her children transition into schools here – make friends, get the in the flow. I imagined, if you can believe it, that she and I could become friends.

Ooops. She had ideas of her own, and they didn’t include me and honestly I don’t know how much she intended to include my children.

The problem is, we, my children and I, thought they’d be friends with US and all the ‘us’ she was putting up with was my children.

I’d long since stopped going into his house – the wifey would sulk in a bedroom for days if I did.  Interestingly enough, my ex started knocking before coming into my house, and he still has a key! He understands that at a basic level our relationship is shifting and it is due to his marriage to her. Rightly so, I might add.

He and I were both okay with that, I was, anyway, and when she made it obvious she didn’t want to be my friend, I stopped trying.

The Worm Turns

Then they moved into a new house (large enough for me and my four kids) and it is the four of them. Suddenly, she wants me in the house every time I come to pick up my children. She’s friendly on the phone – and she gave me a Christmas present.

So I struggle with this. Now that I got what I wanted, I find it distasteful, even repugnant. Why?

Now that she’s comfortable, she wants to be friendly. Now that she’s ready, she’s offended me at every turn.

So am I unhappy that I was rejected out of hand? Yes.

Am I unhappy that I didn’t get my cosmopolitan friend when I though I was going to? Yes.

And do I feel like a shrew-bitch because I don’t want her friendship now? Oh, yes.

I realize that I’m not teaching my children anything I want them to know — Bitterness, perhaps envy? (She got a new house, I still live in the one I bought before we were married.) Anger that he works so hard to please her; but not me, not his children!

I’m truly sorry but I don’t want to be friends with them anymore. Is it wrong of me to say so now? Perhaps not, but it is wrong to waste any more emotion being angry with them.

I don’t know that she’s a neighbor that I’ll love as I love myself (NAS, Mark 12:31), but I am seeking a new level of acceptance for them, who they are and what they are.

Two creatures plodding through this lifetime, offering a comfort to each other. If she is good for him, I’m truly glad. I wasn’t and we all know that. And! He wasn’t good for me. So why anger, now: A year later?

I don’t know except that I got used to her treating me badly and now she’s not. It seems artificial, showy and in bad taste.

Oh. Maybe that was me.

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