Journal, June 2000 Jun01

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Journal, June 2000

Journal June 2000I know in my heart there are hurt places inside me that are dark and deep and scary, like the ocean depths, unplumbed by man.

I don’t go there either. My strength, I tell myself, is in laying aside those things as if they didn’t exist.

I lie to myself that they don’t exist; that I am not doing the Scarlett O’Hara, “I will think about that tomorrow” thing.

The truth is she and I are more alike than I care to admit.

We don’t intend to think about those things at all.

The problem with putting them away, though, is they can’t be quelled. They surface at the damndest, most inopportune times and take me over. Then I sink t the depths, uncharted and scary and wish I knew how to truly forget. And at those times my death seems such a welcome relief.

But then I remember, to my horror, that as as reincarnationist I believe I have to learn all thee lessons before God will keep me with him.

We made a deal, God and me, that I’d work through things on this pane, and I’m bound by it. I’ve been reading Radical Forgiveness, which emphasizes the repetition of mistakes or wrong relationships, and I’m reminded of the “there are no coincidences” mantra of many trendy philosophers.

In each of these, the recurrences or occurrences were/are systematic efforts on the part of the Universe to take us to enlightenment.

Could we just hurry?